My search for my life’s meaning started about a couple of days ago. Sometimes, in between those few days, I think of myself as someone who’s been living in a drab for almost 18 years now. It’s not that my parents put me through some Ludovico treatment or something but because I have been so passive my whole life – or maybe just the bigger part of it.

The first time I realized that every day of my existence doesn’t make any sense to me is when I tried out for an online job application and then suddenly, I saw that one little asterisked box there that requires me to write about experiences that they could find reference for. Never in my life had I been so lost for something. The only thing I could boast for was my being an alumni of the Philippine Youth Leadership Program Batch 6 that held a leadership training in Illinois, USA and I know it wouldn’t fit in a language tutoring job. That’s when I decided I’m drab.

There is this big, bad habit of mine that restrains me to sometimes put myself to the right reason – if there’s any. Whenever I come to a conclusion of how things are or what this person is to me, a repelling effect just whooshes over me and tells me I’m wrong. I don’t know but until now, and I mean now as I write this, this repulsion or the flipping over of everything I say and decide upon just never left me. Sometimes I feel that this habit becomes the Achilles’ heel of my decision-making. And where does this connect to? Well, I just called myself a drab and now I’m telling myself to get over this feeling. The worst thing is that the repulsions have a point, a huge, right point. Which leads me to the intersection of indecision that leads to nowhere really but passivity.

Now, do you understand why I can’t help but call myself a drab? I am a teenaged girl whose routine happens to be school, home, fun, church, school, home, fun, church. Sometimes, I want something larger than this. Last time, I wanted to go to Africa (after watching Tears of the Sun) and be a doctor of the people. The other time, I wanted to be in France, to ride a gondola (is it in France that you do so?).

I think maybe I’m not ready for this or something like I’m asking too much. But I get this feeling that I have something in me that will lead me somewhere, that will make me who I am in the future, something that will make me the best person I can be. But somehow I feel that all these are locked up inside a cocoon perhaps metamorphosing to prepare me for the world. I have no way of knowing. And lastly, I decided that all I have to do is believe and perhaps someday I ‘m gonna know what to do. For now, all I know is I’m ready to try and step out of this passivity (which I hope I’d be successful about) and try to be a new and better person. I’ve got a long way, you know. And so it begins.

You think everybody knows,

But then it doesn't really show

You think everybody anticipates,

And wonderin' what's making it late.

You think everybody feels,

And can't wait to turn on their heels.

You think everyone's ready,

But it just isn't that steady.

And I think you're wonderin' what's up with this poem.

I just wanna let you know that I'm feeling like a mime.

All this rush is a daze,

I don't wanna be fazed.

They often say, that the holiday "is just around the corner".

I'm wondering how far can that corner be?

Coz I'm left here to wander.

I thought maybe he lost his key,

and decided to look for it.

But that key was supposed to open me,

and envelope me with the holiday warmth.

And the longer Mr. Holiday took,

Looking for that key.

The more I decided he won't be coming to get me.

So I'm stuck here waiting,

Trying to figure out what I've been missing.

And I realize at last,

That I'm gonna celebrate this holiday as CHRISTMAS PAST.

Merry Christmas anyway people. I wish us a blessed one.

I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side. I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.


And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No